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Is it True, Kind, and Necessary?
Ask yourself these three questions before saying or texting someone.
Before speaking to someone, ask yourself, “Is it true, is it kind, and is it necessary?” If the answers are no, then it is best left unsaid. There is some dispute about who first said this. I have read Socrates, the Pope, and Bernard Meltzer. I have also seen other adjectives added on, like helpful and the order rearranged. In the end, it doesn’t matter. These three questions are essential to ask oneself before speaking, emailing, texting, posting, or tweeting. I am a little more flexible and require at least two of the three, but doing this mental exercise before communicating is vital to healthy conversations and relationships. Let me explain.
The most extreme example is the old one that instructs us when it is okay to lie. Your wife asks, “Do you like my dress?” You may or may not like it. However, to answer with brutal honesty, “No,” is not conducive to marital harmony. It may be accurate, but it is neither kind nor necessary. An alternative would be, “I like the red one much better.” Then you don’t have to lie; it is kinder than a terse no, and it is necessary if you want to make your wife happy.
So much of our communications today is combative, defensive, and arrogant. We respond to texts and questions with lightning speed. Doing so opens the door to hurt feelings, hostility, and verbal jousting. If we want to feel appreciated, we need to communicate and speak better. The added benefit is that by adhering to these three criteria, the elicited responses will often be kinder. It is an effective tool in diffusing an argument with a friend or loved one. So much of our verbal and written communications today are hurtful, untrue, and unnecessary. There is an old 12-step program saying, “Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.”
To practice this effectively, we have to pause for a moment and think about what we are going to say, write, or type. A friend was helping me clean my boat after a fishing trip. He forgot to clean out the bait and chum locker. He remembered and called me about it after we had both returned home. He had his son go back and clean it up. The next day I discovered the job was incomplete, and there were flies and scent of death everywhere. My first impulse was to call him and complain. Instead, I grabbed the hose and bleach and finished the job. Telling him or his son that they had failed to complete the task might have been true. But it would have been neither kind nor necessary.
Practice using this self-query. I believe you will find immediate improvement in your relationships and peace of mind.
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